Broken but unbowed, Nicole Byer tells Conan about her lockdown plan of growing, wearing veggies

Conan O’Brien, Nicole Byer

Conan O’Brien, Nicole Byer
Screenshot: Conan

Anyone who knows Nicole Byer won’t be surprised that the comedian, author, TV host, and podcasting queen isn’t letting the pandemic get her down. Appearing on new sort-of boss Conan O’Brien’s TV show on Monday, the Why Won’t You Date Me? star repeatedly explained the number of beloved things she’s “not gonna die for” (salon nails, sex), but stressed to O’Brien that she’s making do in COVID quarantine just fine. Having just come straight from surgery on her broken leg (stairs are how the quarantine is gonna get you), Byer showed that huge, fancy home press-on nails are the easier fix of the two, although the noted romantic over-sharer made Conan blush (as is her way) by assuring him she’s prepared to “hop back on the dicks” as soon as vaccines, medical professionals, and common sense give her the green light.

And while Byer didn’t get into how her infamously irrepressible libido is making do during this year of involuntary not-dating, the comedian did show off some of the projects she’s been using to keep herself busy and sane. Telling Conan about her very mixed success in growing her own salad ingredients (just a bowl of cherry tomatoes counts as a salad, right?), Byer also brought along a picture of herself modeling the mail-order hamburger bikini she bought, complete with the buns as “the titty part,” and plenty of ruffly roughage around the waist. Telling Conan she’s wary about sand and salt wrecking her new swimwear at some dumb beach, Byer did promise it’ll get a tryout in her next pole dancing session. (Nicole also pole dances.)

Not being willing to die for the things you love (or just like, or realize after a year you desperately didn’t know you needed) is all well and good, but Byer and O’Brien did talk about getting together when this particular viral nightmare is well and truly over. Byer, stressing as ever, that gender is merely a construct, got seriously into the idea of giving Conan a complete drag queen makeover, praising his lanky, clothes-friendly body, full set of teeth, and, um, two functioning eyes. Low bar, but Byer was into it, telling her new Team Coco podcasting partner that she’s definitely going to get all up in Conan’s look as soon as she’s allowed to touch other human beings again. Until then, Byer will just have to stick it out as the award-winning host of numerous podcasts (including Why Don’t You Date Me? on Team Coco’s expanding podcast empire), hosting Netflix’s Nailed It! and TBS’ Wipeout, and popping up to lend her ever-delightful voice acting from a safe distance. Again, until Dr. Fauci gives her the okay. Then watch out, world.

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